Opportunites

Firstly, and you can accuse me of being arrogant for thinking people actually read this, but to whoever has read the first post, I just want to apologise for being so down and open about things; I'm well aware that people don't necessarily agree with blog entries such as that, but I wanted to give hope and raise awareness about something very close to me. However, if I offended you then I apologise, I didn't mean to.

Anyway, I'm home at the moment for 4 weeks; they say home is where the heart is and I completely agree...I've learnt to love Southampton, I've met some amazing people and have done some great things, but Epsom is home. I went shopping with my sister on Saturday and it was brilliant; I didn't buy a lot, tbh, I can't afford to! But it was 2 hours or so of sisterly bonding and I cannot tell you how much that meant. Han (my sis) always says she wishes she had a younger sibling; I always wish I had an older one...someone who could have guided me through my teenage years when quite frankly I was a bit of a mess! I said to my mum on Saturday that this is the first time in my life where I've actually been happy. I feel stronger, much more confident and able to face the challenges that life throws at me. I've waited so long to feel like this and now I do, I want to push on, carry on, utilise this sense of optimism. I'm not invincible, I'm human...I'll never change the world, but I can contribute to it. I want to be able to look back on my life and feel satisfied that I did everything I could to be happy and did all the things I ever dreamed of doing. I'd rather try and fail than fail to try :)

First time

Wow

This is scary, a whole place for me just to open up about anything. Ok, well tonight I'm gonna introduce myself. Not the whole 'I'm me, aged X and live and breathe this' etc, no, see my Facebook profile if you wanna know that info! But this is me, the real me, the one who only certain people get to see.

5 years ago I developed anorexia, an illness that has simmered inside me since I was 9 years old when I tried to make myself sick after a large restaurant meal. At the age of 13, badly bullied, broken and not knowing any better, I believed my way out was to become thin. In my head, thin equalled beautiful. Looking back, thin equalled misery, heartbreak and pain. I was always a girl with a healthy appetite, I loved my food. My dad believes there are two kinds of people in this world; those who eat to live and those who live to eat. I used fit into the latter category. This cruel illness reversed that. I still don't have a healthy relationship with food. I'm a healthy weight now, I was lucky. I was admitted to a clinic in North London which encouraged (read forced) me to gain the 3 stone I'd lost. I'm now a size 8/10. People tell me I look great, I have a big chest, a small waist and curvy hips. A "woman's body". So how come I look in the mirror and see fat? See an image that makes me want to hurt myself? I would give anything to alter how I perceive myself, absolutely anything. To accept me for who I am. To believe those who say I'm pretty or slim, or occasionally beautiful. I just can't. And it makes me angry. It makes me angry that there are so many people out there who live with this illness and don't get the help because there aren't enough people who understand. Doctors often miss the signs, it's a secretive, deceptive illness but one that needs recognition. So for goodness' sake, if you read this and think 'hey, I know someone who might be experiencing an eating disorder,' help them. Please.